GUIDE TO OFFICE PARTIES

 

With the Christmas party season upon us, we wanted to take this opportunity to help our loyal readers avoid any social mishaps at their work do.  We have identified the ‘potential characters to look out for at any work party.’  Which one are you?

 

The L.A.D.

He’s all banter in the office and this is his big moment to shine.  He’ll be pulling moves on any civilians nearby to prove that his ‘I hooked up the twins from Fun House’ story was true.  You’ll be able to hear his trademark call ‘Jagerbobmbs guys, comeonJagerbombs!’ from a mile off.  Stay clear after he’s had a few ‘bombs’ as he’ll either start spouting shite or try it on with you.  Unless you like that sort of thing.

 

Office Slut

Can be found attached to a bottle of wine or any male who’ll give her some attention.  Scantilly clad and the first to use her desk as a podium.  She might look like an easy target after a few pints but BEWARE she may use the opportunity to talk about how she could have been a model and then cry.  And vomit.

 

The Boss

He or she might pretend to be ‘The Craic’ and lull you in to a false sense of security but rest assured anything you say or do will be held against you.  Avoid when hammered, also avoid positive honesty ‘I always thought you were a twat, but you’re alright you, you’re alright!’  If it all goes tits up, take some photos of them dancing to Gangnam Style and use it for leverage.

 

Newbie

They seem like fresh meat, they haven’t gone that weird grey colour everyone in HR turns after a few months.  They’ll be found giggling nervously in response to everything the boss says while sipping Bucks Fizz so as not to get too drunk. Hang around and you might hear why they got fired from their last job…

 

Caretaker

This guy or gal is a timebomb.  With every sip they come closer to revealing that you’re barely toilet trained and someone keeps dumping Durex Embrace in the Accounts bins.  Keep them onside and get some good gossip incase you need it the next day.

 

The Hottie

Male or female, gay or straight.  Don’t bother.  Honestly, if it was going to happen it would have by now.  Twerking against them to Lady Gaga is only going to upset them.  They won’t leave their undoubtedly beautiful partner for you, they know where you work and it’s shit.  Though no harm in getting them haribo’d and seeing what happens eh?

 

 

This piece was first featured in GNI MAG issue 8, see it here.

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