XMAS WOES: KITSCH BITCH IS HERE TO... ERM... HELP

December 9, 2015

 

Christmas is just around the corner, so we've looked back at some of the festive problems readers of GNI MAG have dared to ask her.  Dear love them, she's not the sympathetic type...

 

 

Hello my queer connoisseurs! My name is Trudy Scrumptious and I have been described as a good bottle of wine; timeless, long neck, big bottom, and you need to swirl me around in your mouth before you get a taste!!!

 

 

 

I’ve put on a bit of weight recently and I know with Christmas just around the corner it’s gonna get worse.  I just love chocolate too much and I know that my mum is gonna get me loads of selection boxes.  Any suggestions on how I can resist the chocolate and not turn into a Santa Impersonator?

James, Limerick

James, my fuller figured friend, curves are for roundabouts not homosexuals!  As saint Oprah once said “I like to eat my emotions!”  But then again she’s allowed to, she’s famous.  As for you: melt down all the chocolates into one large blunt object and bate anyone who tries to feed you!  It also counts as a workout.

 

A friend of mine is in a relationship with this girl and she wants to end it.  Is it too harsh to break up with her just before Christmas?

Hannah, Belfast

Yeah Hannah sure “A FRIEND!”  I hear ya!  So to disguise it’s really you from here on in I’ll write your name backwards…  So Hannah should totally break up before Christmas because then Hannah’s girlfriend won’t have to buy Hannah presents and can spend the money getting wasted to escape the agony of heartache!  Tis the season to be jolly!

 

I have a red leather jacket that I love.  Festive or freaky?

Fred, Belfast

In some cases it’s a welcome distraction from the face! #sorrynotsorry

 

Summer is over and I never had a summer fling.  What’s the winter good for?  No one goes topless in winter.

Tom, Lisburn

Tom, I feel your pain.  The summer heat sends my mangina wild with lust!  But do not fear; winter can be sexy too!!  It gets hot under the duvet when you are spooning, and remember: a spoon is always close to a fork!  Just make sure your onesie has easy access!!

 

Is wearing tinsel like a feather boa ever a good look?

Kieran, Dublin

I say if you’re going to go for the look fully commit with bauble earrings, fairy light hat and a spritz of Fabreeze festive cinnamon stick!

 

Just wondering how many brussel sprouts you can fit in your mouth at one time?

Sarah, Fivemiletown

Ask yer da!

 

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